Leave Something for the Archaeologists
Sebennytus
2005-04-12
6:46 pm
She is the villan who sends a line of dark fantastic passion... we'll have fantastic passion...
Realization. Came in the form of an email response. I just wrote an answer to a question, straight from my heart - and this is what came pouring out:
More and more, I've been feeling as if the path I was taking in life was not the one I wanted to be on. More and more I've felt "this isn't me, this is who I'm expected to be." I don't even know that I like archaeology(as my future profession). I really need to find this out before I commit anymore time to it. I really need to find where I belong. And right now I am pulled in so many directions, I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore, or what I'm supposed to be doing.
I think the reason I've been unchallenged, and going through life and school so haphazardly, is that I'm not doing what I really want to be doing, I'm just going along with the pull. But I have no passion in my life. I've left my passions behind in the self-indulgent lethargy of academia, when it's only ever been my passion that kept me alive. Maybe this is why I've been so depressed for so long. I need to remember what it feels like to be alive, and not just in existance. I need to paint, and write music, and then actually PLAY music, and write, and design, and I need a change of scene and costume and supporting actors. I just need a change. The truth is, I didn't want to go to UF, not really - I just wanted things to be different. But UF would have just been another way down the same path, another way to get caught up in something that isn't me. It was an escape. But what I really need isn't escape, it's fire.
So that's that. I need to do some serious soul-searching. Figure out what path I should pursue, what will make me happy. I still want my phD. I'm still applying to schools. And I'm going to go where ever in the world that may take me. But for the next year, I'm going to work on my music, and on the graphic novel, and I may even write too.
I have other things I need to do to prepare for going to a school, and I'll do them, and I'll put the full extent of my intellect and power and drive into them, and I will succeed without question. And I will secure a dissertation committee at every school I apply to, and I will soon be off to research. And I'm going to devote the full extent of my mind to it, and then stand back and see what I will have accomplished: work I can be proud of, a degree I actually worked for and not just skated through on my good grades, a graduation I might actually attend this time.
But that is work to me. It will be stuggle I could be proud of, but it's not where my heart lies.
When I graduate that last time, I will then step back from that work, and try to raise the creations that I have put my heart into to a place of prominance in my life. I have decided to pursue art and music somewhat professionally before, during, and after my phD,
This gives me little time for screwing around.
But I will have FANTASTIC PASSION...
...Never feel your fingers tingle tense anticipation... words of love, words so leisured, words are poisoned darts of pleasure...
